fanfiction

if i were to write tmb fanfiction, it would not be about me banging more than one of them, and them finding out but still loving me anyway, then me having to choose between them, but it’s okay because they’ll still love me no matter who i choose.

in my fanfic, dru would be some kind of super quiet ultra violent weirdo, like if you look at him the wrong way, or if the waiter at a restaurant didn’t give him any ranch dressing to dip his chicken strips in, he goes ballistic and beats the living shit out of them. because of dru’s outbursts, stefan is forced to carry a taser with him wherever he goes, and it’s ashley’s job to drag dru out to the car after he’s been tased.

then there’s ashley, who carries weights with him wherever he goes, so he’s like lifting little weights while making a deposit at the bank, or taking a shit. he reads the labels on everything he eats, and if he consumes too much sugar during the day, he cries at night while he’s working out. stefan constantly reassures him that he’ll be okay if he has a peanut butter cup every once in a while, and dru silently pats him on the back.

stefan would be a mega creeper pervert, who gets distracted like the dog in “up” every time something with a vagina walks into the room. so, he’ll be talking on the phone, doing some kind of important business shit, and he’ll drop his phone, get up to follow the girl he just saw, and probably get slapped in the face for the 80th time because his pickup lines are so disgusting and crude. and the only time he’s polite about women is when his mom is near, and it’s so difficult to keep quiet about boobs, that he starts sweating and his leg does that weird bouncing thing people do when they’re anxious, then he has to leave to scream obscene/perverted things to nobody in particular so he can handle being quiet for another ten minutes.

the plot would involve some kind of roadtrip or vacation, in which hilarity ensues. they’d laugh, they’d cry, they’d get arrested or beaten up, and they’d become closer as they learn valuable lessons about life, love, and sensitivity toward those who are less fortunate or of a different race.

they’d return home better men than they were when they left. dru will have learned to resolve issues with words instead of fists, ashley would be able to eat carbs without rocking back and forth, crying alone in a dark room, and stefan would respect women enough to wait until the second date to suggest obscene sexual acts that involve lube, slinkys, and cans of creamed corn.

it would be educational, really. complex and educational.